Scared. I was so scared. I was getting ready for my first society meeting and my nerves reminded me of a junior high girl.
Will they like me? Do I look ok? Better put on some lipstick, that will make me look a little older. Do I smell ok? Quick perfume squirt. Will I know anyone? Where will I sit? What if I say something stupid? What if no one even notices me?
I skipped supper that night. I couldn't bring myself to eat anything, the nerves had taken over.
Here I am, acting completely under age. Where was my confidence? Where was God? Didn't He know how scared I was? Of course He knew and He was with me for every second of it. Instead of relying on His Word to reassure me of that confidence, I let it consume me.
Arriving to the school did nothing to ease my concerns. Pairs of ladies were walking in together, already catching up and visiting. I gave myself a pep talk about not expecting the worst and having a good attitude. It can't be that bad.
I grabbed my papers and found an available seat in the back. I pretended to read the papers while casually taking note of the ladies filling the seats. I recognize her, she has a kid in Eli's class, right? I used to go to church with her. I know her name, but never met her.
Eyes down, I kept to myself. Relief came over me when a lady asked to sit next to me. She was so kind. She asked me questions; could she tell I was nervous? My mouth wouldn't stop moving and I couldn't believe the things I was over-sharing. She doesn't even know me! Why would I say that? Now I really feel stupid.
The meeting started and I was happy to not have to talk again. I was feeling embarrassed and still very nervous. I was going to be introduced as a new mom and would have to be recognized.
Devotions were perfect. One of the ladies had picked just the right words and I was relating with the main character. I was new and nervous. I was out of my comfort zone and just wanted someone to reach out to me and say Hi.
Meeting over and it's social time. I'll eat my dessert and see what happens, I tell myself. What I see made me cry. Ladies turned their backs. They formed little, tight circles. I was on the outside looking in. I just wanted to fit in. Won't someone talk to me? Where did the lady go from before?
I didn't even finish my drink before I was out the door. Tears blurred my eyes and I just sat in the van for a minute. I was so hurt.
Weren't they supposed to reach out to me? I was the new one! They should know that I'm scared and nervous and that I don't know how to start conversations. Is it because I did something? Was Eli mean to one of their kids? Is it because I don't go to the "right" church? Is it because I'm too young to have kids in school yet? I was asking myself all sorts of questions and second guessing everything. I cried to my mom and she understood. I'll be ok.
Tears dried, water sipped, I sat outside waiting for the boys. Eli came up for a hug. "Are you sad? Why are you sad? Is it because no one talked to you at your meeting?"
Guilt settled in my gut over the fact that he'd heard my troubles. "Yes, my feelings are a little bit hurt but I'll be ok."
"Well next time you just have to go up to a lady and be like, 'Hey! I want to talk to you. Will you talk with me? And if they say 'No' you can go to a different lady and be like 'Hey! I want to talk to you. You should talk to me."
Problem solved. My five year old has been listening after all. To make friends one has to be a friend. Be bold, make the first move. The risk of rejection is not more than the value of a friendship found. Take courage by giving my fears to God in the first place, not just running to Him when it doesn't go my way. After all, I'm not the only one who may have had fears that night.
So, next time I vow to ask the first question. To put myself out there because God wants bold witnesses. He doesn't want me hiding in a corner all by myself. We are created as social beings, so I need to work on the "social" part.
Oh, and Eli's response when I told him "You're right, I do need to talk to them next time."
. . . . .
"I know. I know everything."
Will they like me? Do I look ok? Better put on some lipstick, that will make me look a little older. Do I smell ok? Quick perfume squirt. Will I know anyone? Where will I sit? What if I say something stupid? What if no one even notices me?
I skipped supper that night. I couldn't bring myself to eat anything, the nerves had taken over.
Here I am, acting completely under age. Where was my confidence? Where was God? Didn't He know how scared I was? Of course He knew and He was with me for every second of it. Instead of relying on His Word to reassure me of that confidence, I let it consume me.
Arriving to the school did nothing to ease my concerns. Pairs of ladies were walking in together, already catching up and visiting. I gave myself a pep talk about not expecting the worst and having a good attitude. It can't be that bad.
I grabbed my papers and found an available seat in the back. I pretended to read the papers while casually taking note of the ladies filling the seats. I recognize her, she has a kid in Eli's class, right? I used to go to church with her. I know her name, but never met her.
Eyes down, I kept to myself. Relief came over me when a lady asked to sit next to me. She was so kind. She asked me questions; could she tell I was nervous? My mouth wouldn't stop moving and I couldn't believe the things I was over-sharing. She doesn't even know me! Why would I say that? Now I really feel stupid.
The meeting started and I was happy to not have to talk again. I was feeling embarrassed and still very nervous. I was going to be introduced as a new mom and would have to be recognized.
Devotions were perfect. One of the ladies had picked just the right words and I was relating with the main character. I was new and nervous. I was out of my comfort zone and just wanted someone to reach out to me and say Hi.
Meeting over and it's social time. I'll eat my dessert and see what happens, I tell myself. What I see made me cry. Ladies turned their backs. They formed little, tight circles. I was on the outside looking in. I just wanted to fit in. Won't someone talk to me? Where did the lady go from before?
I didn't even finish my drink before I was out the door. Tears blurred my eyes and I just sat in the van for a minute. I was so hurt.
Weren't they supposed to reach out to me? I was the new one! They should know that I'm scared and nervous and that I don't know how to start conversations. Is it because I did something? Was Eli mean to one of their kids? Is it because I don't go to the "right" church? Is it because I'm too young to have kids in school yet? I was asking myself all sorts of questions and second guessing everything. I cried to my mom and she understood. I'll be ok.
Tears dried, water sipped, I sat outside waiting for the boys. Eli came up for a hug. "Are you sad? Why are you sad? Is it because no one talked to you at your meeting?"
Guilt settled in my gut over the fact that he'd heard my troubles. "Yes, my feelings are a little bit hurt but I'll be ok."
"Well next time you just have to go up to a lady and be like, 'Hey! I want to talk to you. Will you talk with me? And if they say 'No' you can go to a different lady and be like 'Hey! I want to talk to you. You should talk to me."
Problem solved. My five year old has been listening after all. To make friends one has to be a friend. Be bold, make the first move. The risk of rejection is not more than the value of a friendship found. Take courage by giving my fears to God in the first place, not just running to Him when it doesn't go my way. After all, I'm not the only one who may have had fears that night.
So, next time I vow to ask the first question. To put myself out there because God wants bold witnesses. He doesn't want me hiding in a corner all by myself. We are created as social beings, so I need to work on the "social" part.
Oh, and Eli's response when I told him "You're right, I do need to talk to them next time."
. . . . .
"I know. I know everything."
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