Someday

Trauma is devastating. It leaves you feeling broken, even hopeless at times. It makes every day tasks harder. It rips at your soul and tries to tell you lies. I know. I know more than most what this kind of trauma can do to a family. It wages war.

I'd be lying if I said trusting in God was easy. I'd be lying if I said I feel loved and comforted by scripture. Most days I don't. I know Truth, but feeling it is something different.

Trauma creates more trauma. It is an endless cycle that I'm trying so hard to break. For me, for my children, for my family. It takes time. Some days it feels like forever and there is no hope of healing.

The future is a scary thing. I choose to not think about it. This moment, this hour is enough.

I've been distant. It's hard to connect and love others when I can't love myself. I blame myself.

There are coping skills. There are truths to repeat. There is scripture to meditate. There are tears.

Some days the pain is too much. The anger is crippling. Patience is foreign language.

My mind and my heart battle each other.

There is nothing anyone can do or say to change what has happened. To take the pain away.

Triggers come in every form. A smell. A thought. A sound. A place. It takes all of my strength to slow my heart down, to breathe, to stop the panic attacks.

Mostly there is fear. It leads to second-guessing. It leads to lies. It leads to fights. Fear makes you a monster. A stranger to yourself.

I want to protect. I want to control. I want to feel again.

Only God can do those things. I know. Oh, I know.


Time. Ticks by the eternal seconds. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. It's somewhere. It will find me someday wrapped in God's arms. I know.


Until then............................ I am left with an emptiness waiting to be filled.